Hauntings & Hellos
by BlazingLegend
Summary: One Halloween amongst a sea of following years, previous years, all lost into the times they are together.


Happy Halloween, everybody. This is just a celebratory... thing... that happened. Chyah.

P.S: Yes, I'm pretty sure the Barney/Robin/Ted dynamic just had a pointless twenty minute conversation in there.

* * *

><p>It's a run-of-the-mill day in the greatest city on earth, New York, clouds gathering overhead and people nursing hangovers from nights far into your thirties and you're alone and miserable and still drinking with the same people every single night. And afternoons. And mornings, come to think of it.<p>

Yeah. Great city.

One woman's wedding rings glint harshly against the sky. "Oh my God, Ted?"

Ted Mosby whirls around, eyes tinged with fire and his arms filled to bursting with what seem to be bags of confection with pictures of... cartoon animals. All over them. Christ. "What?" he shrieks, and that is no exaggeration, "What? Where's the fire?" he stops, looks around, "Where the hell is the goddamn fire?"

"Okay, first of all—_calm down_ there, Teddy Boy," Robin says, and walks over to him with her face flaring into what seems to be a cartoonish grin of her own.

She pats a hand against his shoulder. Slowly, she starts to smile. Her teeth wink against the fading daylight. She starts to laugh.

Long laughs, demented laughs, and Ted's going, "Tell me the truth, Robin. Did you take something? C'mon, you know me, I won't judge..."

"Who are you trying to fool right now? You're Judge-y McJudgerson!" She stops, "... wait, no, okay, we promised that name would be reserved for Marshall. But it works better on you."

"Yeah... well... you suck." He says.

"For a grown-ass man with two kids and a wife not to mention some very impressive career accomplishments under his belt, all I can say is: real mature, Ted."

"Like you're any better."

"Hey, hey, it's not _my_ level of maturity we're debating here."

He leans in and gives her a few accusatory sniffs. "I repeat: Robin Scherbatsky, are you high?"

She snorts, "God, _no..._ high on awesomeness maybe... I mean, why would you even ask..."

She starts poking at his face. "Are you wearing _makeup?_" he stares at her, refusing to answer, and she arches a brow in contest, "Ted. _Bubbeleh._ Tell me the truth. I will get Justice Aldrin on your ass so fast..."

"Slightly disturbing suggestive comment about a mutual friend aside," he pouts, "No, _Robin,_ I am not wearing makeup."

"The makeup you're wearing says otherwise."

"Be quiet," he says and starts to whine, "I'm not wearing makeup."

"Tell that to your face, Mosby!"

"Do you _want_ me to force-feed you candy and licorice?!"

"Do you _want_ me to totally send photos of the unicorns on your face to my husband who will use this to torment you for the rest of your life because nothing you can do will stop me!"

His eyes widen. "No, Robin, seriously stop—"

He reaches out to grab her but she just laughs and dodges out of his arms. "Thirty seconds on the clock, Teddy Westside!"

"Wait—_Robin!_—waaaait!"

She snaps a few pictures of him then waves the phone over his head. "Now tell me, Teddy Boy—" ("Robin. Give me the phone. Now. Okay, alright. I'm not going to explode over this—okay you give me that goddamn phone right now or you're dead!") "—who gave you those unicorns and your punishment may be less severe."

He gasps, "No. Never."

She gives a slight laugh and taps out something into the phone. "Alright, fine."

His face collapsing under the certainty of his inevitable doom, he cries, "Okay—_okay!_—Robin!—it was the kids! They victimised me, Robin! _Victimised._"

She swivels back around to look at him, "Your _kids_ painted you like a gay dolphin?"

"Excuse me, but they're unicorns."

"You say that like it's something to be proud of."

He scowls and bends over to pick up a bag of candy he dropped in the struggle. "Luke wanted to paint me like Godzilla. Penny won."

"Oh my God, that's hilarious!"

"Hey, hey—" he says, starting to look offended as she cackles on, "I would look much worse if Tracy hadn't made me up afterwards."

"Oh God, I don't want to hear about your sex life with Tracy."

"Hey, we hear all about your sex life with _your_ spouse!"

She scoffs. "That's just because we're awesome."

"I think your husband's awesome complex has rubbed off on you."

"Awesome _complex?_ What is this I hear about a 'complex?' Please, Ted. Please. Who are you even kidding? There's no complex. We're _legendary._ Period. No, we're better than legendary, we're—"

"I most certainly and unequivocally do _not_ want to hear the rest of that sentence." He says. She pouts. "Besides, I wasn't talking about sex. I was talking about the fact that both of my children whom I love so dearly and more than life itself cannot paint to save their lives. To save _my_ life. To save anybody. Seriously, they suck."

"These children whom you love so dearly and more than life itself?"

"Yeah."

"That sounds about right."

She laughs at him for a good couple seconds longer until a pair of hands appear over her eyes and there's a drawl of, "Guess who?"

Robin lets out a scream and scissor kicks him to the ground.

She's about to go for him again when he pulls off his helmet, spluttering, and his entire body convulses as he shrieks, "No, for the love of God stop!"

Ted clucks his tongue and leans over to give Barney a hand up. "I told you, dude. Never play the guess who game with her. It's Robin 101 for a reason."

Barney groans and rubs at his head. "I think I might have a concussion," he gets out, and glares over at Robin, "Thanks for that."

She shrugs. "It's Robin 101, dude."

"Oh, and just for future reference, _Robin,_" he starts off, lifting his eyebrows, "This is not the way I expect to be getting bruises from my wife."

She cocks an eyebrow. "Oh yeah?" she says, and leans into his ear.

He pulls back, looking her up and down, licking his lips.

"That method, however, is acceptable."

Ted's nose scrunches. "Oh God, I don't even want to know what you just told him."

Robin smirks, and laughs. "Sure, Ted. _Sure. _You're too squeaky clean and pure, right?"

Ted nods, happy with himself. "Pretty much." He stops. He leans forward. "Wait, so what did you say to him?"

Robin walks straight up to him and whacks him over the head. "Squeaky clean my ass."

"That hurt, Robin. Not just physically—that hurt my _feelings._"

"God, grow up, Ted."

Barney is just about to comment with something sarcastic and very likely scathing when he stops, coughs, and jerks backwards in a spiral.

"Whoa there," Robin says, catching his arm before he collapses again, "What's gotten into you?"

"He—"

"Barney?"

"Oh my God, is he having a stroke?!"

"_He_—"

"Barney, what is it? Tell us."

"He—has—"

"That's it, I'm calling 911. Just breathe, Barney. Just breathe. Help is on the way..."

"He—has—_unicorns_—on—his—face,"

Ted pockets his phone, scowling.

"Oh my God!" Barney shrieks, "Oh my God. Is this happening? _Is this really happening?!_"

He whirls around and grabs Robin, kissing her. "It's a miracle, Robin! It's a miracle! Ted has unicorns on his face! He has _unicorns_—"

"Okay, we get it," Ted says, putting a hand on his arm while Robin pretends to be disgusted by the kiss she just received.

Barney pouts.

"Okay, finish the sentence."

"—_on his face!_ There, see, doesn't everybody feel better?"

"No, not really."

"Not even in the slightest."

"I know, I'm great, right?"

Robin rolls her eyes and looks Barney up and down.

("You checking out the package, Scherbatsky? I can't say I'm surprised.")

She shoves him.

("Okay, ow.")

Robin glares at him, then cocks an eyebrow. "Wait, are you dressed up as a stormpooper?—_trooper?_ Are you dressed up as a stormtrooper? Chyah."

"Of course, Robin," he says, frowning, and lightly hits her shoulder, "And you're supposed to dress up as one too, remember?"

"God_dammit!_"

Ted gives her a stare. "What?"

She folds her arms, fuming. "Even twenty years later, I still have to stop joking in emails! It is too goddamn hard to convey tone!"

Ted grins and tucks a finger under her chin. "It's okay, Scherbatsky."

"Says you. You have yet to be victimised by my poorly executed email humour."

"She's right, Ted," Barney says, and gestures to his costume, "Believe it or not, this isn't the first time I've been burned."

Ted laughs, and Barney nudges Robin again. "So, c'mon, what are you _really_ getting dressed up as? Sexy nurse? _Slutty_ nurse? I wouldn't mind a checkup..."

Robin turns away, nose bunching in disgust, when he chirps and turns her back around again. "Oh, _oh!_—what about a sexy cop? No, a slutty cop! I definitely wouldn't mind getting arrested..."

"See?" Robin says, scowling, "This is what I'm talking about. Halloween makes him go _nuts._"

"Correction." Barney says, "Halloween makes _you_ go nuts for _my_ nuts. See, huh, see what I did there? See—?"

She glares over at him, and lands a few punches to his side for which he wheezes out a pained 'great, more bruises.'

She narrows her eyes, "Nobody's going to be doing _anything_ to your nuts if you keep that up."

Barney straightens and salutes her with two fingers, "Yes, ma'am."

"That's sir to you."

"Robin, that's gross."

She rolls her eyes. "You'll deal."

"Plus, if the great and almighty Barnacle ever _was_ going to swing that way it'd be with more of a David—"

Robin blinks a slightly concerned look over at Ted, "Should I be alarmed by how much he's thought this through?"

Ted laughs, "Nah, s'fine. He's been hanging onto David for over twenty years."

She shoots him a wary look and then turns back to Barney, who's rambling on about comic book themed Halloween costumes and going out trick-or-treating with this David of his and their supposed two kids, "Okay, hypothetical homosexual life partners aside..."

"What—?" he says, then clears his throat, "I mean, yeah, of course I totally heard whatever you just said. Chyah."

Ted grins. "Nice save, bro."

Barney flashes him a duplicate grin and an enthusiastic thumbs up.

Robin blinks at Barney. She groans, "Idiot."

"Aw, but you love me anyway, right?" he says, wrapping an arm around her waist, kissing the top of her head.

(She mutters a little 'yeah, whatever' but leans into him accordingly.)

"Barney Stinson," Ted proclaims in a loud, authoritative voice (or at least that's what he's going for) that Robin sniggers at him for even attempting.

Barney stares at him, an eyebrow quirking upward in confusion, "Uh, yeah, bro?"

"You're out in plain sight and you're dressed up as a stormtrooper, Barney."

Robin sighs. "Yeah, he's gonna get beat up."

Ted gapes at her, and very nearly drops a bag of candy. (Again.) "Are you kidding me? It's awesome."

Robin watches on as they high-five, her lips pursed, "You two are complete dumbasses. Lily's gonna beat the both of you up."

"Please, Robin, I think I could take _Lilypad._" Barney scoffs.

Robin arches a brow in his direction. "Seriously?"

Ted answers for him, "No."

"_Bro..._" Barney starts to whine.

Ted raises his shoulders. "Hey, it's for the best. She's spent time in Rome. Her suntanned appearance would frighten you."

"Plus he couldn't take Lily even if she was pregnant and wearing a white unitard," Robin chimes in.

Ted nods his confirmation. "Plus he couldn't take Lily even if she was pregnant and wearing a white unitard."

Barney pouts and whines at them, "You guys suck."

Robin snorts, "For a grown-ass man with a wife and too many compromising tidbits of information about our good friends the Koreans that will almost certainly get him killed and thrown in a ditch somewhere in the outwoods of Canada someday, all I can say is: real mature, Barney."

He blinks at her then gasps in horror, "No. Not Canada."

Ted whispers over at her, "That line will work better on him when he develops a sense of shame."

She sighs. "Yeah, I know, I was just trying something."

It takes approximately three minutes for Robin to calm him down and stop him muttering deranged snatches of 'but... but... not _Canada_' when he finally grabs Robin by the shoulders and looks her straight in the eye, "Robin. Baby. Light of my life. Please tell me if you kill me someday for overwhelming awesomeness and too many consecutive orgasms because we all know that day is coming—please for the love of God and anything that is good in this world like laser tag and too many consecutive orgasms and cigars and Ted having unicorns on his face and sports cars and—"

Robin tugs at the neck of his costume. "You're losing it again, Scherbatsky. Come back to us."

He looks around and stares straight at her, into her soul, as if these are the last words he'll ever utter, "_Please don't bury me in Canada._"

She sighs. "Fine, Barney. I won't bury you in Canada."

Barney beams and wraps an arm around her, kissing her temple lightly. "Best wife in the world right here."

Ted rolls his eyes at the pair.

(And only he sees as Robin mouths at Ted, 'but we shall see.' And he does his best not to laugh. He kind of fails on that one.)

Barney polishes off his helmet with a cuff, "So, Ted, what are _you_ dressing up as?"

Ted opens his mouth to say something, when Barney cuts him off, "Oh, no, let me guess. Let me guess! Let's see... a fairy godmother? No!—_no!_—a gay dolphin! Is that it, Ted? Are you dressing up as a gay dolphin?"

Robin grins and leans up to plant a kiss against his jaw. "Hell yeah. Sexy minds really do think alike," she says, and they high five.

"First of all—" Ted says, holding up a finger, "—that's gross. Second of all, excuse me, but they're _unicorns._"

Barney shakes his head, face grim. "Not something to be proud of, bro."

"Says you."

"Says everybody."

Robin groans. "Oh Lord, this is the red cowboy boots all over again."

"Hey, I pulled those off."

("No, bro, you didn't.")

("I don't know how Tracy sleeps with you knowing you think that.")

"Okay, moving _on._ I totally pull those off, but moving on—"

"YOU DO NOT PULL THOSE OFF!"

Ted lets out a shriek and scrambles a few steps backward. A few seconds pass, then he shakes his head and, "... I think the scariest part about what just happened is that you _harmonised._"

Robin laughs, a loud, bright chirp of a thing. "So, Teddy Boy, is the Mosby clan going to owe Lily and Marshall the high honour of attending the Halloween party this year?"

"You're never going to get over that, are you? We didn't go _one_ time.—Only one time, and you go on like we... we... I don't know, betrayed America."

"Silly child," Robin mocks, shaking her head. "I don't talk like you betrayed America. I talk like you betrayed _Canada,_ which of course we can all agree is a crime far worse than—"

"For the love of God, someone stuff her full of candy, quick!"

Robin scowls. "Barney, let me remind you that you _are_ in fact one quarter Canadian—"

Barney tugs his helmet back on and starts singing along to _The Star Spangled Banner_ mercilessly, and rather off-key.

("Patriotic dumbass." Robin mutters.)

Barney looks at her through the helmet. "Storm troopers are sexy and you know it, Robin."

"I'm not calling something that wears a diaper sexy, Barney."

"What did you just say—?!"

"Nothing, nothing."

He shakes his head. "I'm watching you, Scherbatsky."

"I should hope so."

Ted rolls his eyes at the two of them. "The answer is _yes,_ I will be coming to the party. I didn't endure this—" he gestures to his face, "—this torture all for nothing."

"Lily's gonna laugh straight in your face."

"Yeah, I know."

She grins and flutters her fingers at him. "Well, I guess we should be going. Right, Barney?"

("What? Oh yeah, right. We're _so_ busy." He says, only after she's elbowed him a couple times.)

Ted rolls his eyes again. "Alright. See you tonight?"

She taps a finger against her nose. "You got it, Mosby."

They start to walk off, Barney's lips close to her ear as he tries to rope her into the scandalous things they could do whilst dressed up as stormtroopers, when Robin swings back and gives Ted a few quick taps on the shoulder.

"Oh, and Ted?—if you want to make good on that force-feeding me candy and licorice threat, I guess you ought to know that technically licorice _is_ a candy. I'm a little surprised you didn't pick up on that, Mosby. Are you getting on in the years?"

That's when he starts throwing gummy bears at her.

* * *

><p>No offense to gay dolphins. They're a proud people.<p> 


End file.
